Is my self consciousness causing my daughter to be self conscious ?

Last Saturday David and I took the girls to Monkey Joe's. It's an indoor playground that they both love. Serenity loves to play with other children. On this occasion there was a little girl there that was a little snooty and was ignoring Serenity and she wouldn't play with her. I could tell this really was hurting Serenity's feelings so I pulled her aside to talk to her. I told her that sometimes there will be children that won't play with her. But that shouldn't make her feel bad because that isn't the type of child she should want to be friends with. She then said the sentence that shook me. She said, "But I want to BE like her." I sat there stunned in silence for a minute and then I hugged her and told her that God made her absolutely perfect and that she should NEVER want to be like anyone else in this world. I told her how beautiful she is and how special she is hoping and praying that it will get through to her. But on Wednesday night at church I was telling her Gee about this and she said, "You know, that's funny. She said the same thing to me a few days ago." So that right there told me that just telling her how beautiful she is and hugging her did not do the trick. Lisa (her Gee) of course told her the SAME exact thing I did. That God made her perfect, that she is beautiful and she should never want to be like anyone else. But after I left church it really got me thinking that if it didn't get through to her the first time I said it to her, it probably didn't work when Gee said it either. Lisa also said something to me at church on Wednesday night about how she is watching us when we look at ourselves in the mirror. How we change clothes 10 times because we don't think we look good in anything. So I have been making a more conscious decision to watch how I act around my girls. I show "Self Love" more often and not say "Oh I'm not gonna eat that, I'll gain 5 lbs!". I know with having the Lap Band that I really have to watch what I eat and everything but I CAN control how much I talk about it in front of my children. Serenity is being home schooled. Partly because it is a Christian based  program and most of the kids in our church do homeschooling and are apart of this program. But mostly because I want to protect her from the cruelness of other children as long as I can. At the age of 5, she is really impressionable. She can get her feelings hurt and other kids can make lasting marks on how my child will forever view herself and the world. I don't want her having bad self esteem because a cruel little boy in kindergarten teased her. So for now, I will shelter her with love and support and with God. And I will also work on changing my image in my head. Loving myself more. Because if she sees everything else, she will see when I start loving myself.

Big Update

As I read over my previous posts, I realized that there are a lot of things that I needed to update about.  For one thing, I no longer sell Avon or Lia Sophia jewelry. Although making a few more dollars here and there was nice, it was really putting a lot into my schedule and stress in to my mind that I really just didn't have time for. But I have replaced the "time" part with being more active in my church and my relationship with God. The 2nd thing is that I never got to book our cruise :( David and I's 3rd Anniversary is July 31st and as of right now we have NO plans at all and really no money to plan anything. Its sad but oh well. And I just looked at the calendar and he is schedule to work that day anyways so we probably wont be doing anything special. Possibly dinner when he gets off work. 3rd thing: I started drinking coffee again. Which I will stop again now seeing as coffee was one reason why i would gain a couple lbs whenever I drink it. lol. I can't help but to put about 5 hazelnut creamers in my coffee and 6 packets of splenda or I seriously can not drink it. It has to be sweet and flavorful. So, wish me luck with that because that is really one thing I look forward to everyday lol. 4th:  My girls have grown. They have grown and things have changed since this blog started. Serenity is now 5 and going on 15. She is beautiful and smart and funny and I am so blessed to have her in my life. She has no idea how much of a blessing she is in her own perfect way. She is starting to get a little bit of a smart mouth (what 5 year old girl doesn't?) but she is also starting to get that self consciousness about herself and that breaks my heart. But that is a whole other post that I am pre-parring to write about tomorrow. Scarlett on the other hand is ALMOST 15 months old now. She is walking and starting to talk now :) She says Mama like its going out of style! I told her the other day that I am going to change my name! haha She is such a cuddle baby. This morning when I dropped them off with Gee before I headed to work I had Serenity on my lap and Scarlett beside me on the couch and Serenity asked me "do you have too much girls on you?" I said "NO WAY! Are you kiddin me?! I can never have enough of my girls on me!" lol It's little moments like that that steal my heart and dig its way into my memory forever. Scarlett is also a daddy's girl and LOVES to be outside. She takes my car keys and try's to put them in the door to make it open. She is a mess. She is also sleeping much better now. She usually goes to bed between 6:30-7:30 and sleeps all the way through to around 5:30-6:30..some luck days she will sleep until 7 or even 7:30!  She is also a blessing. She made this family complete. She changed our lives all for the better. Scarlett and Serenity's beautiful sisterly bond puts tears in my eyes sometimes and I can already hear them in my thoughts 10-20 years down the road. First yelling at each other and then playing together and sharing secrets. I think the best thing that I could have EVER given my girls, is each other. Oh and last but not least- I didn't get a new car :( We went to go look at a 2011 Toyota Corolla S right around the time that I blogged about looking at a new car. We could have gotten it but the payments they wanted were $589 a month! They were crazy and we high tailed it outta there! We haven't really looked at getting another car since then. It will probably be coming soon though. My car is starting to give me a little bit of trouble. We just had to replace the thermostat and now a belt is squealing. Anyways, I just wanted to update on a few things that were never followed up on. I plan to blog more often to keep myself accountable to my band. :) I also have 4.5 CC's in my band now. My next appointment is 7/7. I will post another blog tomorrow, until then have a nice day!

Ignoring the problem leads to weight gain..

I'm wondering just how much of this I could have done with out the lap band. It seems that I can still eat what ever I want and I can still *gain* weight with this lap band. I should know for almost 2 months now I've been at almost the exact same weight. I have gained and lost the same 8 pounds TWICE! This morning I was at 206 lbs. I was at 206.5 two months ago. But last month I was hitting 212. It all comes down to what I put in my mouth. If I start eating sugar, bread, pasta--i gain weight. If i start eating low carb again, I lose it. So I'm wondering if I just did the low carb without the band if my results would be just about the same. Did I go through surgery and have this band implanted in me for NO reason? I sure hope not! But...I'm done figuring it out. I am going to stay on my low carb "lifestyle" to get to where I want to get. I know that when I get to my goal I can start adding a little bit of carbs back in but for the most part my life is going to be low carb and I just have to accept that. It sucks but thats how *my* body was made.

I am reading a book called "Faking It". It's not what your thinking. But the book does promote and really great message of loving yourself. Loving your body and actually finding yourself attractive and beautiful. I would suggest every woman who has ever had the thought "I really hate my..." should read this book.

I need to start being more acccountable for my weight loss and for what I eat. Today I have eat a small pack of turkey meat and a cup of coffee so far. This is day 3 of getting "back on the wagon". I have a blue berry Yoplait Light yogart sitting in front of me for a snack pretty soon. I have some slim jims and I have a ceaser salad waiting on me for lunch. Last night I had broiled pork chops and green beans for dinner and a *sugar free* Popsicle for desert. I think those are going to be my saving grace when it comes to needing something sweet! I wish they made sugar free ice cream lol! Oh well, now that I'm forcing my self to be accountable for my weight loss instead of ignoring the problems, maybe some more weight will come off!!

Finally..

Well after everyone having birthdays in my house within one month's time and me eating what ever I want I have finally started to lose again. The lap band is definitely NOT a fix all! It can't tell you not to eat something! I have ate cake and Reeses and Ice Cream, etc. etc. etc... When I went for my 5 month check in I actually gained 1.5 lbs. I know, I know, its 1.5 lbs. It's not 10 but It might as well be! My dr told me that what has happened is with eating all those carbs, the carb cravings had came back. And that couldn't be more right. So, I was told I was to eat zero carbs for 4 days. That included fruits. No fruits, no breads etc. But, I did it and I lost 4 lbs in those 4 days. I just started my weight loss again. I have been doing great and that has been 1 week ago. I weighed in this morning at 206.5 and I'm on my period so thats including the bloat lol. I will be so happy when I can get down to 50 lbs lost! My 18's are starting to get a little big on me now. I think this weekend I might go to Ross's and try to find a dress to wear to Easter which is this weekend. Well, I just wanted to update since I hadn't in over a month. I've been hiding I think since I've been doing bad with my weight loss. I'll have to go bathing suit shopping sometime soon too.. ;( I'm a little scared of that! lol Wish me luck!

Slow going..

I haven't posted in almost a month. I have been soo busy and my weight loss has been slow going. I am at 216 this morning. I was really hoping to be at 208 by April 7th but I'm not sure if it will happen or not.. April 7th is Scarlett's 1st birthday and I was at 208 when I found out I was pregnant with her so I would like to be at "pre-pregnancy" weight at least by 1 year. It's just a little hard lol. David and I got our YMCA membership back so I have been going at least 2 times a week. 3 if I can manage it. I also signed up to sell Lia Sophia Jewelry! Which is awesome! I am absolutely loving it! So if you are interested in learning more about it, email me! :) Serenity will be 5 on March 28th..where has the time gone? She is getting so smart and has also started having those melodramatic break downs that I thought only started in the teen years. Apparently, I was wrong! lol Some of her lastests include but isn't limited to: You don't understand me, I dont want to talk about it, You treat me like a 2 year old! (She's 4!) and a few others.. oh, I'm in for it with her. I can already tell! But, she is soo funny. Some of the things she says just cracks me up. The other day she said "You wanna here what my belly says?" and she puts my head to her belly and in a deep voice says "I want a cookie" LMBO I about died. LOL!! Then on Sunday we took her to Monkey Joes (an indoor playground) and when we leave she said "Can we come back tomorrow?" And I said, No, I have to go to work tomorrow. The she said "How about Tuesday?" ?!?! She knows days of the weeks now?? When did that happen? Or was it just a coincidence that she was right? lol I guess Ill never know! My kids are just awesome. They are what keeps me going, besides my hubby of course. LOL. If when I die, my kids no nothing else. I hope that they know exactly how much their mother loved them and wanted nothing but the best lives for them. Well, my post wasnt exactly about being a "bandster" today. But My progress is going...just going slowly lol. I'm thinking of doing my 2 week pre-op sometime. To jump start my weight loss. We'll see how it goes! :)

Darn you, Dessert menu ;)

So I have been eating out a lot here lately.. working odd hours and special occasions. In the past week I've had some Cheese cake, Peach Cobbler and Tiramisu.. My Dr would probably have a stroke if I told him that! lol But I have been smart the rest of those days and ate like I normally do so I just bounced in between 2 lbs the past week. Yesterday I finally realized its the devil trying to take a hold of me. I've been reading my Bible and getting closer in my relationship with God and the Devil is trying to get to me through food. Ugh. SO, last night when I got gas I opened my center console and there was a bag of Reese's Pieces. (!) I couldn't believe it and I dont even remember where it came from! So, I gave them to my mother in law and decided he wasn't going to win! So this morning my scale said 217.5 lbs.  Hopefully I can get out of the 210's before March! I think my "goal" is to be at 214 by March 1st but I almost feel like that isn't good enough! So, well see. I have been terribly busy lately. I've been doing my Avon and I signed up to sell Lia Sophia Jewelry (which is AWESOME!) and I took my daughter to go see Beauty and the Beast on Broadway ect. Its just been a really busy two weeks (hense all the eating out). But hopefully, things will slow down a little bit and I can plan my meals a little better. Well, that is my update for now. :)

35 LBS GONE- I Love My Band!

This morning I am at 219 lbs. That is 35 lbs less than the day I started this journey at 254. The band has helped me get a grip on my life and for that I will be forever thankful. I stayed at 219.5 for a few days because I ate a few things that weren't perfect for me (carbs lol) but, yesterday I ate perfect and finally kicked that .5's ass! lol AND this morning I got into another pair of jeans that I used to wear about 3 years ago :) I am 11 lbs away from the weight I was when I got pregnant with Scarlett. She turns 1 on April 7th and I hope to be atleast to 208 by then so I can say I lost all my baby weight with in the first year. lol I hope that my kids never again have to see me at 250 lbs. Serenity told me the other day that I have a fat belly...ouch. That hurt! But she is 4 and speaks the truth. Her Gee (my ex-mil) wears a size 10 so shes skinny. So if Serenity compares me to her I guess I do have a fat belly! lol! BUT, it wont stay this way forever!! I want to say right now thank you to JESUS for seeing me through this. For helping me to get healthy for a brighter, healthier future for my self and for my girls and husband.  Well, thats my update for now! Until next time, I will leave you with this quote:
"If you deny me in front of your friends, I will deny you in front of my father." ~Jesus Christ

2 Month Post Op Visit

I went to my two month post op visit yesterday. According to their scale I was 225 yesterday which was a total of 29 lbs down and a total of 23 % of my excess body weight. She said at a year out they normally expect their Lap Band patients to be at about 36% so she said I was doing "Stellar" lol. I have decided after yesterday NO MORE COFFEE! It seems like every time I drink coffee for a few days I gain a lbs or two. It's probably because I cannot drink black coffee. I literally have to have 8 packets of splenda and about 5 hazelnut or vanilla creamers. So, no more coffee until I absolutely cannot wake up lol.This morning my scale said 223. My goal by Feb 1st was 222 so I should meet that in the next day or two. (I hope). We are going to be booking our cruise in about a week and its going to be Sept 10th. Its a 7 day Western Caribbean cruise. It goes to Cozumel, Grand Cayman & Ochoa Rios, Jamaica! I am SO excited! If I can lose 8 lbs per month then I would def be at my goal weight by cruise time! When we first started planning the cruise I thought it would be around July or August and by then I wanted to be at around 175 so now that I have another month or two I shouldn't have a problem meeting that goal as long as I stick to it. I REALLY want to look cute in a bathing suit standing next to my handsome hubby :) Scarlett has been KILLING us with her sleep patterns here lately. David and I are getting tired and frustrated because she doesn't want to sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time. It's horrible! She just turned 9 months and has teeth coming in and is going through a little bit of anxiety and learning how to sit up and pull up and all that so I'm sure that's why shes waking up.. but WHEN will it end?? lol Serenity is almost 5 and she still wakes up at least once per night to go to the bathroom. I want to know when that stage comes that they can make their own cereal and watch TV until mom and dad wake up? lol I miss SLEEEEEPPP. BUT, I know that these years will go by so fast. Serenity is almost FIVE!!! Time has flown by with her! This past year has flown by with Scarlett! We are about to have to start planning birthday parties! I think this year I will do separate parties for the girls just so Scarlett can at least have her own 1'st Birthday Party but after that they will probably have a shared birthday party. Their birthday's are only 10 days apart! It would cost way to much to do it separately each year.

But anyways, back to the lap band! I got 1 more CC added to my bad yesterday. Total of 3 cc's in a 10 cc band. It does feel a little bit tighter now. But it will probably be ok for a week or so then I'll start feeling hungry again like I did last month after my fill. I think the only way the weight is coming off right now is because I'm eating low carb. I'm insulin resistance so when I eat any carbs/sugar i automatically gain weight. :( It sucks. BUT that was the life I was dealt. If I can keep those two things out of my diet, then I will be a skinny girl in no time lol!

Well, I hope you all had a GREAT Christmas and New Years! 2011 Is my YEAR!

New Clothes :)

So, I finally had to go get some new clothes like my hubby was suggesting :) I went to Old Navy and walked out with not one size smaller but TWO sizes smaller! I got two pairs of size 18 jeans! I know size 18 is still huge but considering I started out in 24's, that is great for me! The scale this morning was at 225 so I'm down a total of 29 lbs. I hate my scale by the way. Sometimes it goes up and down depending on where I'm standing on the scale. Like this morning, when my center of gravity was to the back of the scale a little bit it said 223.5. I want a scale that doesn't change its mind no matter how I'm standing lol. I'm doing great with my band. No problems at all. It's like I dont even have it! I have had a few times were I had to wait a minute for the food to pass through but other than that, no problems! This is the best thing I have ever done for myself and my family. I'm so excited for this summer to get there! Hopefully I'll be around 175-180 and feel ok buying a swim suit this year. As I have said before, this year I was so big I had to swim in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt..NOT THIS YEAR! I refuse! I am determined that I will be able to buy a bathing suit and feel confident in it! I'm eating low carb now. Which is really not that hard when you do it for a while. Every once in a while I will eat a little piece of potatoe and on New Year's Eve I had a piece of Sweet Potatoe Pie which was AWESOME lol But carbs are not a part of my daily eating anymore! Like yesterday I had a cup of Cottage cheese for breakfast, Some left over meatloaf, green beans and a very small ceasar salad for lunch and for dinner I had some fish and zuchinni. Today, I had a low carb sausage scrambler from Krystals (love them!) and for lunch I have a grilled chicken ceasar salad and for dinner I have Salmon defrosting in the fridge. Simple. Low Carb. :) The best fish recipe I have found yet is baking Salmon with Dijon mustard on top with a little bit of dill at 375 for about 10-15 minutes until the fish is flaky. That is GOOD! Well, I have to get back to work. We are also in the process of buying me a new car! Whoo hoo! :) Have a great day everyone!